February is here, and with it the sweet song of true love and chocolate-flavored happiness that is Valentine’s Day. Shyeah, right.
Kick Cupid to the curb and take your friends, or that special someone, for an actual good time on one of our Naked at the Art Museum Scavenger Hunts. They take you on fun, maybe a tiny bit dirty tours of classic and sometimes funny nude artwork.
To get in the mood, check out this round-up of…frankly weird, freaky, and bizarre nude art. You won’t always know what’s going on, but you definitely can’t unsee this stuff.
1. ‘Erotic Composition,’ Brooklyn Museum of Art
Considering this is a religious piece depicting a dead god boffing his goddess wife with his mega-wang so she can pop out another god while priests wrestle an evil antelope, “erotic composition” doesn’t quite cover it.
2. ‘Dwarf Dancing,’ Museum of Fine Arts Boston
What’s this little Greek dude got to dance about? We can’t quite put our finger on it. Because that would be grossly inappropriate.
3. ‘Odalisque in Grisaille,’ Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York
This alternate version of a famous nude might not strike you as odd at first, until you realize it repeats the original painting’s strange proportions. Have you noticed it yet? We’ve heard of women having legs that go all the way up, but not spines that go all the way down. That butt’s, like, two feet late to the party!
4. ‘Erotic Papyrus’
Boy, whoever named ancient Egyptian nudes was a master of understatement. This is just the smallest (well, not smallest, clearly) taste (ew) of the sort of thing that pops up in those fun-lovin’ Egyptians’ sexily educational version of the Kama Sutra.
5. ‘Man Attacked By Babies,’ Vigeland Sculpture Park, Oslo, Norway
Does it make you feel better that this naked guy isn’t kicking and punching naked babies, just evil spirits that look like naked babies? No? Yeah, us neither. Still, this isn’t even the craziest thing you’ll find among the 200+ sculptures in Europe’s craziest, nudest art park. Dag, Norway, you got one wet-and-wild freak flag.
6. ‘Venus Reclining on a Sea Monster,’ Getty Museum, Los Angeles
Phew, OK, back to some nice, normal nude art. Wrong! She is about to go full bestiality with that sea monster while Cupid just, like, shoots whoever. No part of that is normal!
7. ‘My Lonesome Cowboy’
This Murakami sculpture is just about the most NSFW thing we’ve seen in our entire lives and that glimpse there is honestly a little more than we’re comfortable showing you. You’ll have to go see the rest if you really want to, but for real, it’s graphic as hell.
8. ‘Zygotic Acceleration,’ Saatchi Gallery, London
If That Hasn’t Put You Off Nude Art Forever, Find More Naked Fun
Each February, on the weekend near closest to Valentine’s Day, you can join our Naked at the Art Museum Scavenger Hunts at major museum in six cities around the country. Learn more about our weekend Public Hunts, or book a Private Hunt anytime for your favorite group.